Late Night Pondering

It is hard not to review the past year when the new one begins. However, 2013 is an extremely painful year to recall. I read an article today on Facebook that hit home for me. The woman had heard the same words I have heard my whole life. "You are only given that which you can handle." I have grown to resent those words, as did she, and found no solace or comfort when they are said during trying times. These are the same words that were spoken to me at age ten by my LDS neighbor. She delivered the news of my brother's passing with those words attached at the end. Almost like a stab, you signed up for this pain and you are tough enough to cope. It forced me to hide my emotions and put on that strong face that God expected me to front. I was supposed to be strong, yet I still wondered why that was my cross to bear at such a young age. I held on for the bumpy trials of life ahead since it looked like the Lord knew I was capable. Even if it meant just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other and just keeping face. I know looking back on 2013 that is what I have done. I completely checked out. I checked out emotionally, spiritually, and the most painful of all, I checked out on my dear family. It has been a bumpy year to say the least. Change has been the reoccurring theme for this family in 2013. Adapting to moves, family differences, and finally answers that will change our family forever. Answers that we had been putting off  far too long. Finding out that my dear son will be facing more challenges than he should ever have to, completely shattered my world. I found myself putting the blame on my friend upstairs. This was another one of those crosses to bear  because I could handle it, right?? So what if I could handle it? I certainly didn't want my son to have to. I hated seeing him so desperately want to fit in with his older siblings and not being able to communicate, and I got physically sick thinking he might not ever find love happiness and ultimately have a family of his own. Why is this his cross to bear?  He does not deserve it. From the moment I held his tiny 6 pound body in my arms, I knew he had so much to tell me, so much he wanted to say. As the years went by it killed me to see the pain in his eyes not being able to express his love, his excitement, and his thoughts of life ahead. I have cried myself to sleep over thinking about how much he wants to be involved and apart of this world and yet struggles so much to do so. The article I read brought me so much peace. The woman had heard the same words, "You are only given what you can handle." She too struggled with that phrase and found a scripture that meant to her the opposite. It stated that when these overwhelming trials are placed on our shoulders we are to come unto him and he will make the despairing hopeless feeling light and give us peace. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and knows my struggles and even still loves me when I turn away and don't give him the time of day. HE still loves me like I love Recker! That love is so overpowering that connection you feel for your child. You want to see them succeed you see how amazing their potential is and know that they are destined to be great! Here's to 2014! New challenges, a whole new perspective, and to kicking autism in the a$$ with my friend upstairs by my side because he surely knows I can not take on these trials by myself!